A Green & Manly Holiday Gift Guide

Chorizo, the Green Man was thinking. He was in a hurry; there were so many things to do, so many reasons to fret, from wondering why every office deadline matched perfectly with a holiday party to pondering why every "To Do" list he'd made since November had nothing crossed off on it except the word, the one word:

Chorizo.

But there was no time, to think or to do. He had only time to be. And being the Green Man is a job that peaks around the holidays: so many wreaths to haunt, so many balls of mistletoe to inhabit, and then there are those ivied walls and gargoyles to visit—leering out at young and old alike. Reminding them that it's never too late to "Think Green."

Yes, the Green Man certainly keeps busy this time of year, much too busy to go shopping, except maybe for chorizo. Unfortunately, that excuse was wearing thin in the gift-buying department, especially with all three of the major holidays in full swing. Then again, being the Green Man, he had easy access to the ultimate excuse: "It's such a materialistic, consumerist, excessive season," his inner Green Man was saying, in a voice dripping with elite progressive snobbery. "This year I will give the gift of giving nothing, and feel the wiser and wealthier for it."

Here, however, the antipodal inner Green Man sprang into action, like a deranged but effervescent sock puppet who'd drunk too much chlorophyll: "Yeah, right, give nothing—but you sure won't turn down that new iPod Nano if it shows up in your stocking or Hanukkah Sox, will you?"

"Harumph," said the Green Man. But it was a point well taken, although in fact an iPod Nano would be of little use; the Green Man really needs about 40 gigabytes of memory to serve his music collection. What he also really needed was for the Jets to lose the rest of their games despite striving valiantly, while the Texans and the Saints and the 49ers won their games, so that the Jets could win the Reggie Bush sweepstakes in the NFL draft. There wasn't much likelihood of that happening, of course (we're talking about the Jets, after all). But that argued for giving gifts, too, if only to keep the karma in balance—a good idea in case the team that eventually drafted Reggie Bush was in the mood to trade.

More to the point, the Green Man wanted to give, especially this year. In the past year, a lot of green wishes had come to pass: the local supermarket had increased its organic produce selection, had added green cleaning products and, especially nice for the Green & Manly among us, started sourcing grass-fed organic beef and lamb. This year the Green Man had tasted his first steak in ages—which is not the same as a well-aged steak. (And with the Green Goddess' approval, he might add, which is not a small thing at all.)